Posted by secondchancetolive on January 5, 2009
Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live my friend. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Happy New Year to you and your family. God bless you all. Yesterday I attended a New Year’s day get together with a group of friends. We meet yearly at this couples home on New Year’s Day — January 1. I was glad to see and spend time with my friends, however there were several people — that move with in our circle of friends — that I had not seen in quite a while.
To make a long story short, I found myself reacting toward one of those individuals.
As I interacted with that individual I interpreted their facial expressions and behaviors as being critical, belittling and judgemental of me. Consequently, I found myself reacting to them. I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated and angry toward them. Rather than confronting the situation and the individual, I decided to detach physically and move to a different area of the house, where I could examine our interaction.
Through doing a quick moral inventory of myself I became aware of what I was experiencing. I discovered that I was experiencing a sense of shame because of their critical look and behavior, which I took personally. In response, I felt afraid, inadequate and alienated — alienated from them and from myself.
As I continued to process our interactions and why I was experiencing a sense of shame I had an awareness. What dawned on me was how I initially interacted with the individual after they arrived at the party. I remembered watching them with a critical attitude. Upon further examination I then realized that my critical attitude — toward the individual — arose from the resentments that I held toward them from previous interactions.
My next thoughts revolved around a spiritual principle — judge not lest you be judged for the measure that you give out will be returned to you. I then realized that I was receiving back — from them — what I was measuring out to them through my critical demeanor.
Not only was I receiving a critical attitude — from them — but I discovered that I had opened myself up to the fruit of criticism and judgment: minimization, marginalization and alienation. Alienation from them and from myself. I found that through being critical — of them — my judgment boomeranged back to me. My critical attitude toward the individual in essence became a self-inflicted wound.
When I judge other people or myself I inadvertently minimize, marginalize and invalidate who I am and what I bring to the table of life. When I judge other people or myself I practice abandonment.
Over the past several days — as I have continued to look for the lessons brought about through my interaction with the individual at the New Year’s Day party — I have been able to grow from the experience. The incident reminds me that I need to keep the focus on myself when I am irritable, restless and discontent. In the process, I need to own and address my resentments when I find myself reacting to a person or a situation. I need to avoid being critical of other people and myself to avoid self-inflicted wounds.
I need to give people the dignity of owning their perspective of me with out taking their perspectives personally. When I am restless, irritable and discontent I need to keep the focus on myself. I need to own and address my resentments and I need to practice live and let live.
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Posted in 12 Step Recovery, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Being Healed, Bob Woodruff, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Closed Head Injury, Codependency, Desert Storm Veterans, Empowerment Speaker, Empowerment and Inspirational Speaker, Friends, Invisible Disability, Life, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Motivational / Inspirational Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, Personal, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Traumatic Brain Injury in children, Veterans of the Iraq War, Vietnam Veterans, abuse and neglect, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, cerebral vascular accident, family, head injury, learning disabilities, living life on life's terms, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, messages of hope, messages of hope and inspiration, relationships, self-esteem, shame, traumatic / acquired brain injury, traumatic brain injury Iraq | Tagged: irritable, restless and discontent, not taking things personally, self-inflicted wounds, fruit of criticism and judgment | No Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 30, 2008
Welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am glad you decided to stop by to visit with me my friend. You are always welcome around my table. In life, we may experience events and circumstances that suddenly redirect our experience. In an instant — like the switch on a railroad — life events may set set us in the opposite direction of our hopes and dreams. What we once knew, now seems foreign to us. Our anticipation is turned to disappointment.
In the process, we may find that our hopes, dreams, and aspirations have been dashed upon the rocks of circumstances that are out of our control.
We may have experienced a acquired brain injury with permanent brain damage. We may no longer have the use of our limbs. Our mobility may be reduced to the use of a wheelchair. We may be bed bound. Consequently we may believe that who we are in life no longer matters. That our significance has no meaning or purpose. We may believe that our hope of finding our destinies are gone forever. We may feel bound by our deficits and limitations.
Consequently, we may be sad, angry or even bitter with life.
For many years I listened to the lies of my limitations and my deficits. I bought into the notion that who I was in this life was of little significance. In my experience, I felt like a man all dressed up with no where to go. In the process I bought into the notion that no one cared or wanted what I had to give in life. That my hard work and determination to make a difference was of little affect. That my persistence and tenacity to overcome obstacles — in my life — was in vain.
And then one day — through a series of events — the vail of my dismay lifted and I saw a ray of hope. The ray opened my eyes to a new way of living.
I discovered that although I am an acquired brain injury survivor with deficits and limitations, I am not my abi, deficits or limitations. Consequently, I no longer needed to limit myself because of my acquired brain injury, my deficits, my limitations or my disability. I discovered that I could experience life through my passion, regardless of what happened to my body and my brain. I could learn to learn to use what I have to give to those who want what I have in ways that work for me.
The good news is that I could learn to express who I am to the fullest. My body may be broken and battered, I may not be as smart, I may believe I am limited at times, but that does not have to slow me down.
I discovered that I could use my creative energy with out limitation. I discovered that I could let go of the notion that I needed to express myself in a conventional manner. Consequently, I traded the notion of significance with the ripples of my being. In the process I discovered that I could follow the flow of my passion. In my pursuit, the fruit of my passion subsequently becomes apparent as my being paints — as with a wondrous brush — upon the canvas of life.
My passion creates an echo from my being. In the process I experience my destiny — one moment at a time. In the process I encounter my meaning and purpose — one day at a time.
Consequently, although I have limitations and deficits — because of my acquired brain injury — I no longer need to believe that I am limited. My friend, although you may have an acquired brain injury, deficits, limitations and a disability, you no longer need to limit yourself. You can learn to channel your being through your passion.You can learn to use your gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for you. You can learn to use your passion as an expression of your being. You can learn to paint with your life.
You can trade your notion of significance with the ripples of your being. You can learn to move beyond the confines of your limitations, deficits and disability. You can learn to use what you have in ways that work for you.
What used to work for us no longer needs to define who we are now. We no longer need to be limited. We can create with our lives.
“There are so many opportunities in life, that the loss of two or three capabilities is not necessarily debilitating. A handicap can give you the opportunity to focus on art, writing or music.” Jim Davis cartoonist
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Posted in Acquired Brain Injury, Bob Woodruff, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Closed Head Injury, Codependency, Desert Storm Veterans, Friends, Invisible Disability, Life, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Major Media Outlooks, Meaning and Purpose, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Motivational / Inspirational Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, Revealing your Destiny, Traumatic Brain Injury, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Traumatic Brain Injury in children, Veterans of the Iraq War, Vietnam Veterans, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, cerebral vascular accident, family, head injury, learning disabilities, living life on life's terms, living my destiny, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, living with meaning and purpose, messages of hope, messages of hope and inspiration, motivation, relationships, self-esteem, spinal cord injury, stroke, traumatic / acquired brain injury, traumatic brain injury Iraq | Tagged: We don't have to be limited by our limitations | No Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 25, 2008
Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. Today is December 24 — Christmas eve. First let me say, Merry Christmas to you and your family. Over the past several days I have been experiencing some sadness. My sadness has been because I would like somethings to be different than they are in a few of my relationships.
“If you do not like some thing, change it, if you can not change it, change the way you think about it.” Mary Engelbreit
After years of struggling in my attempt (s) to change these individuals point of view — concerning how my tbi has impacts my life and my relationships — I am learning to let go. Although I would like to change people’s perceptions concerning how my traumatic brain injury impacts my relationships, I realize that such an awareness may never occur.
“When you are in a state of non-acceptance, it is difficult to learn. A clenched fist can not receive a gift, and a clenched psyche — grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted — can not easily receive a lesson.” Roger John
Through my process, I am coming to accept a reality — it is as it is. With my growing acceptance I realize that I too have choices. Consequently, I am choosing to change my perspective. By doing so I validate my reality while learning to let go of my sadness and disappointment. By doing so I am learning to practice live and let live.
By doing so I am able to move forward with my life. By doing so I am able to learn the next lesson.
Today’s thought
A friend of mine reminds me when I look to specific people — to give me what they do not have to give — I set myself up to be hurt and disappointed. My friend reminds me that when I look to people to give to me what they do not possess I am essentially going to a hardware store looking to find bread, where no bread exists.
As a traumatic brain injury survivor you may want to have better relationships with specific people, however their lack of acceptance impedes that from occurring. As a result, you may find yourself both sad and disappointed. Although those relationships may never go back to the way they were before our tbi, we can have peace.
We can live in peace with ourselves. We can live in peace because we know that we are doing our best. We can be at peace because we no longer need to live in denial. We can live in peace because we own our reality. We can be at peace with ourselves because we can let go.
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Posted in 12 Step Recovery, Acquired Brain Injury, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Bob Woodruff, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Children of Trauma, Closed Head Injury, Desert Storm Veterans, Destiny, Empowerment and Inspirational Speaker, Friends, Invisible Disability, Life, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Major Media Outlooks, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Motivational / Inspirational Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, Traumatic Brain Injury, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Traumatic Brain Injury and You, Traumatic Brain Injury in children, Vietnam Veterans, abuse and neglect, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, cerebral vascular accident, family, head injury, learning disabilities, living life on life's terms, living my destiny, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, living with meaning and purpose, messages of hope, messages of hope and inspiration, relationships, self-esteem, spinal cord injury, traumatic / acquired brain injury, traumatic brain injury Iraq, traumatic brain injury in schools | Tagged: experiencing sadness and disappointment, learning to let go, validating my reality | 4 Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 23, 2008
Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me my friend. You are always welcome around my table. Merry Christmas to you and your family. While watching the tail end of the movie Elf starring Will Ferrell — amongst a host of other distinguished actors — I thought about a familiar song that is sung at Christmas time “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”.
As a youth I heard this song sung and thought the song was a happy song.
As I have grown older the words of the song have taken on a different meaning. One of the main characters in the song is Rudolph. As the song begins we are drawn to the names of Santa’s reindeer. Special attention is then drawn to Rudolph — one of the reindeer — who had a bright red shiny nose. The song goes on to tell us that Rudolph was not allowed to play in reindeer games, laughed at and called names.
Although the reason (s) for Rudolph being shunned, laughed at and called names is not clear, the song draws attention to the fact that Rudolph was the only reindeer — amongst the herd — who had a bright red shiny nose.
Although Rudolph is merely a fictional character in a Christmas song his plight can easily be identified with by individuals who have experienced similar rejection and ridicule — because they are different than the herd. As an individual with a disability I could easily identify with Randolph’s position in the herd. For many years I found myself rejected, ridiculed and ostracized because I — too — was different than the members of many herds.
My traumatic brain injury and invisible disability left me ill equipped to fit in with the herd. You may also have a traumatic brain injury or some other disability that has left you ill equipped to “fit in ” with the herd. Consequently, you also may be able to identify with Rudolph’s plight.
The song goes on to say, “then one foggy Christmas night Santa came to say…” . In this part of the song the obvious becomes clear. Santa recognized what the herd choose to ridicule…the gift that Rudolph had to give…a bright red shiny nose. Consequently, Santa asked Rudolph “won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” Santa both recognized, valued and appreciated Rudolph’s gift. What was mocked by the other reindeer came center stage as essential.
What made Rudolph different from the herd drew him to a unique place of service. Rudolph’s gift drew him to his destiny. What made Rudolph different empowered Rudolph to be of maximum service to Santa, his fellow reindeer and many other people.
What makes you and I different from the herd also makes you and I very special. Our gifts, talents and abilities will make room for us and we will find ourselves being of maximum service to a loving God and to those individuals who God brings into our lives. We can rest assured that we will be drawn to a unique place of service and in the process become a beacon of hope.
Today’s Thought
If the “herd” chooses to reject, laugh at us or call us names we can let them go. We can choose to practice live and let live. We no longer need to convince any of the herd (s) that we come across of our significance or value. Instead we can go about the business of developing our gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for us. We can therefore let go of the outcomes and trust the process because our worth is not connected to a herd.
Be encouraged my friend. More will be revealed to you. Stay committed to your vision and your mission. Stay committed to who you are and what you bring to the table of life. Stay the course.
Be bold and courageous for your toil is not in vain.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Mahatma Ghandi
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Posted in Acquired Brain Injury, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Bob Woodruff, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Closed Head Injury, Empowerment Speaker, Friends, Life, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Traumatic Brain Injury in children, Veterans of the Iraq War, Vietnam Veterans, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, family, head injury, learning disabilities, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, living with meaning and purpose, messages of hope and inspiration, relationships, spinal cord injury, traumatic / acquired brain injury, traumatic brain injury Iraq | Tagged: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer | 4 Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 15, 2008
Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Recently, while speaking with a friend she suggested that I share some thing with you that I shared with her. Some times I lose my bearings, my focus and my center. When I find myself in this space I use this tool.
At times I lose my bearings, my focus and my center and I feel as though I have lost my way.
As we spoke I shared with my friend that I have a built in forgetter. Consequently, I need to be reminded of the principles that help me find my center, my bearings and my focus. I do not know if my built in “forgetter” is the result of getting older, being caught in the head lights Are You Caught in the Headlights of Life? or because of my traumatic brain injury.
In the final analysis I do not know if the “why” really matters. What matter is that I am willing to remember.
I have discovered that because I want to remember I am open to being reminded. In my experience I have found that these reminders come in different forms and through various venues. Simplicity some times speaks the loudest when I sit down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Sometimes all I need to do is to sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and begin to write.
The clarity that once seemed to allude me manifests itself before my very eyes. Slowly I am able to see my experience in a different light. What was once skewed takes on new meaning. My heart speaks to my head and my head to my heart and I am revived.
Through the process I hear the voice of hope — as she calls to me — and I am able remember what I forgot.
Today’s thought
My friend, in the event that you are going through a difficult time in your life or if you are merely searching for clarity may I encourage you to be present for yourself.
Sit down with a pen and a piece of paper and begin to write.
Let your heart speak to your head and your head to your heart.
What was forgotten will come into focus.
Consequently, you will gain your bearings and you will find your center.
You will be ushered into the light of hope and you will remember what was forgotten.
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Posted in 12 Step Recovery, Acquired Brain Injury, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Bob Woodruff, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Children of Trauma, Closed Head Injury, Codependency, Friends, Healthy Self-Care, Invisible Disability, Learning, Life, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Major Media Outlooks, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Motivational / Inspirational Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Vietnam Veterans, abuse and neglect, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, family, head injury, living life on life's terms, living my destiny, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, messages of hope and inspiration, relationships, self-esteem, spinal cord injury, stroke, traumatic / acquired brain injury, traumatic brain injury Iraq | Tagged: empowerment, Faith, finding my destiny, Hope, living life on life's terms, motivated by hope, self help, Spirituality, World, writing in a journal | No Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 10, 2008
Hello and Welcome to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you stopped by to visit with me. Around noon today I received a call from the pastor of the church that I am attending. As we began our conversation I could tell that he was not himself. I asked what was going on and he then disclosed to me that a good friend of mine and a member of the church died suddenly yesterday morning — December 8 — of a massive heart attack.
I was both shocked and saddened by the news of my friend Dave’s passing. I had just spoken with him this past Friday December 5 and he was very much alive.
As the day has turned to night I still am having a difficult time believing that I will no longer be able to see, speak to or spend time with Dave. I am thankful that I will have the opportunity to say good bye to Dave tomorrow evening at his visitation. Although he died on Monday he will not be forgotten. His legacy of kindness will live on in the lives that he touched. I am very fortunate to have been one of the lives touched by the light of his life. Thank you Dave!
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa
The passing of my friend Dave’s life reminds me of a reality. We are here but for a moment in time and then like a flash of lightening we will be gone forever. To some our lives may only be noted by 8 simple numbers and a single dash. When we were born and when we died. Life, death and the in between time. But for Dave, his life will be remembered because of the way he choose to use his life in the in between time. Dave was a servant and he sought to be of maximum service to God and to his fellows.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.
Erma Bombeck
The passing of my friend — who was 3 years older than I am — reminds me that my dash could close at any time. Consequently, I am encouraged to live — as Dave lived — to make the best use of my in between time. Dave lived to use — his in between time — to bring hope and to inspire people to be free, free in their body, free in their soul and free in their spirit. Consequently, Dave’s dash will live on in the lives that he inspired. May I be able to follow in my friend’s foot steps and leave a legacy of grace and hope.
Thank you Dave for being my friend and Godspeed to you!
Craig
All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA
Posted in Acquired Brain Injury, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Brain Injury Associations, Caregivers, Closed Head Injury, Codependency, Empowerment and Inspirational Speaker, Gulf War Veterans, Invisible Disability, Living with a Disability, Living with an Invisible Disability, Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, Motivaional Speaker, Motivational / Inspirational Speaker, Ophra Winfrey, Parents of children with Acquired brain injuries, The Grieving Process, Traumatic Brain Injury Support Groups / Meetings, Veterans of the Iraq War, Vietnam Veterans, brain injured soldiers, celebrities with brain injuries, living life on life's terms, living with a traumatic / acquired brain injury, living with meaning and purpose, messages of hope and inspiration, relationships, traumatic / acquired brain injury | No Comments »
Posted by secondchancetolive on December 8, 2008
Hello friend and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Over the weekend I attended a Christmas party that is held each year by a local organization for traumatic brain injury survivors. I was happy to have the opportunity to have been invited and that I took the opportunity to attend. After arriving at the party I began introducing myself to various people.
Of these individuals, I sought to speak with the director of the program that sponsored the party.
I sought to speak with the director of the program because I believed I needed to make an amends with her. When we had an opportunity to speak I asked her, ‘If I offended you in the past please forgive me.” You see the last time that I interacted with her and her assistant was approximately 7 -8 years ago. My interaction with her had occurred in the aftermath of my involvement with the institute of rehabilitation — where I received vocational rehabilitation services some 12 years ago.
During my conversation with the director she stated that what she remembered of our interactions — was that I was very angry. When she spoke those words it was as if I was teleported back to that time in my life. In the midst of our conversation I had a spiritual awakening. I agreed with her. I asked her to forgive me and she told me there was not a problem. In essence she told me that she detached from my anger at the time.
When she mentioned those words,”…what I remember was that you were a very angry” I had a spiritual awakening. In my awareness I remembered why I had been so angry.
When she spoke those words a light went on and I remembered that I had been very frustrated with myself and with other people. My spiritual awakening revealed that I had been at war with myself and with other people because of my denial and my unrealistic expectations – surrounding my traumatic brain injury and my sense of powerlessness.
After leaving the party and over the past 36 hours I have been reflecting on what the director said during the party. Her words were definitely a gift to me because those words helped me to be aware of the gifts that I have received though working my recovery program.
Her words empowered me to realize how much progress I have made in my recovery process over the past 5-6 years. I do not share my progress with you to draw attention to me but to encourage you to not give up on yourself or your process. More will be revealed to you.
As I continued to reflect upon her words I gained further clarity. These are some of the gifts that I have received during and over the past 5-6 years that have helped me let go of my anger and to learn to live life on life’s terms.
- I am so glad that I have been able to work through my grieving process concerning the losses surrounding my traumatic brain injury.
- I am so happy that I have been able to come to a place of acceptance concerning my traumatic brain injury and myself.
- I am so glad to know that I have come to realize that I am not my disability, my deficits or my limitations.
- I am so glad that I have been able to stop fighting with myself over something that I can not change.
- I am so happy that I no longer need to be driven by unrealistic expectations.
- I am so glad that I have been able to channel the enery that my anger once consumed into my creative genius.
- I am so glad that I can trust the process, a loving God and myself and that I don’t have to know the big picture.
- I am so glad that I am learning to use my gifts, talents and abilities in ways that work for me, to give to the people who want what I have to give.
- I am so glad that I can be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.
- I am so glad that I did not give up on myself.
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